28 Apr

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.

Oh, Carrie Bradshaw, never were you more right!

I think this is the reason why I haven’t been able to be happy yet. I think one bad relationship really fucked me over and made me feel inadequate. That relationship forced me into these depths I never thought I could reach. During that relationship, I willed myself to change for someone who was not deserving. NEVER will I make that mistake again.

Cheers to finding the true you and the person who will embrace you for all your quirks, beauty, weaknesses, passion, and – most importantly – your willingness to love and be loved.

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Aside

It’s been a to…

26 Apr

It’s been a tough few weeks. I’m holding on still because I have to, but it’s so hard to feel discouraged. I think this is that utter despair that I heard so much about.

And yet, I am so unbefuckinglievably proud of myself for going through all of this, waking up at 5 in the morning when the alarm goes off, making the commitment to actually fight for my future. So many people before (and after) me chose to take the easy way out. I guess we’re all motivated differently and some people want a pat on the back for every thing they do right. Is that something I would appreciate? Yes. But in my life, I’ve learned that just making it is enough of a reward in itself. I don’t need to be validated.

I know I need help. I’m not afraid to ask for it. I just don’t want this to become something where I relied on other people and an institution that grade inflates like a motherf***** to get me places in life. When I work my ass off, I know I’ll get what I deserve.

You can run and tell that homeboy.

“Is Berkeley really that cutthroat?”

8 Apr

I tried to give you a chance and tried to be your friend, but bitch please…

You didn’t even get in. What gives you the right?

And yes, I’m busting my ass over here to get a D+ but I’m still a million times happier than I was when I was with you.

You can run and tell that, homeboy.

Spring Break

31 Mar

I feel like I’m a lot happier when I’ve distanced myself from home and everything that is home. I like the life I’ve created for myself in the bay.

Now people from here are going to pollute my bubble of self sufficiency 500 miles away.

Grrrrr stay away from what’s mine, the lot of you!!!

It’s a large campus, I know, but that does not mean that awkward encounters won’t happen.

Trust thyself.

3 Mar

I can’t say the past few weeks have been my best. It’s been everything from downright dreadful to shocking (in the good way, perhaps the best way possible). It’s weeks like this that teach you just exactly what you’re made of.

“I make my own luck.”

These were words confidently stated by Jack Dawson as he confronted a mass of rich bastards on the Titanic. These are words to live by. At the end of the day, there is no one else to depend on but yourself. You can’t count on other people screwing up, you can’t count on the perfect storm. All you can do is work hard and give yourself the opportunity to succeed.

For a while there, I really lost track of my capabilities as a student. At an institution as competitive as Berkeley, it’s very easy to feel like you simply aren’t good enough. That’s one of the things I hate most about my school. Grade deflation is becoming very real to me LOL

My relationship with my roommate is a roller coaster. I can’t even get into the details of that right now.

Actually, she’s currently pissing me off, so I’ve kinda lost track of everything I wanted to write about in my rage. Will update at another time when I feel like I have something meaningful to say…

To act or not to act?

4 Feb

Old loyal WordPress blog, oh how I have misseth thee.

It’s been an interesting few months since I last blogged. I’ve completed my first of eight semesters at Cal and am currently ankle-deep in my second term here. Last semester was a time of mistakes and triumph, and this semester will be… well, hopefully (and hopefully not at the same time) the same. Only this semester grades are of ever greater importance, so I suppose my mistakes will also be just as bad or maybe even worse! I feel like I make bad choices when I’m stressed. Just a hunch.

Yesterday, I spent a good deal of time talking to my friend Shyla, and some parts of our conversation stood out in my mind. Inevitably our conversation turned to love and finding that perfect someone. It’s crazy to think that I’m already 19, and I’m more than halfway through my first year at college. Where is he?!

Ha, I know, I’m still young. Everything just looks so bleak. I’ve fallen head over heels in love – and unfortunately blindly so – and I hate to admit it to myself, but I can’t pick myself back up. I’m terrified to make a move and I’ll sabotage myself and do whatever it takes to stay miserable. Why? Why do I do that to myself? Why do we do that to ourselves? (I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman who practices this masochistic self-sabotage.)

Oh, and it’s weird that I call myself a woman now. Can I just say I’ve never felt more unlike one?

I like that feeling of giddiness when there’s a cute boy that’s sitting near me in class. I like the rush of it. I like having a crush, as childish as that sounds. No matter what, if I end up spending my entire life with a guy, I better get butterflies in my stomach every single time I think about him, I see him, I’m with him. Even when I’m old and shriveled. I never want that part of me to age EVER. I don’t want to be bitter or angry or unloving or cynical. I want to open myself to what’s out there.

You could be that for me, but the risk isn’t worth it. I’d rather us be friends than anything else. If I could get to know you over the course of the semester, that’s all I’d like. It’d be nice if you could get me into some of your frat’s parties, but I couldn’t go down that path with you. I honestly could never picture myself with anyone else who’s competing with me for those few spots in this shitty major called business administration. I could never trust you enough. The frat rep doesn’t help. But you’re really cute and we should be friends so I don’t feel like I’m alone in section when that bitch keeps shutting me down with her fucking comments.

Wow, that paragraph covered a lot of bases and changed topics quite rapidly.

I think it’s because I plugged in my headphones and I’m listening to “Fix You” at a very loud volume whilst my roommate decides it’s okay to video chat with her club members who are lazy as fuck and can’t arrange an in-person meeting and instead want to do their two-hour+ meetings via internet on weekend nights.

I feel like I’ve become a really bitter person.

I don’t know where I was going with this.

Perhaps I will come back at a time when my thoughts are more collected and less scattered/boy-centric/rage motivated. I think it’s time to direct my negative energies to the gym. That has worked well for me lately πŸ™‚

Until next time! (Hopefully, I’ll need to rage again soon ;))

A sad weekend for all.

16 Oct

I have fallen ill. Fingers crossed it isn’t the dreaded mumps. Heh.

After getting to know the guy in my building a bit better, I made a stupid choice. Shocker. I still sabotage myself in love. It doesn’t really even matter what I do to myself though… because the guy has a girlfriend in Africa! I can’t really compete with that, y’know? I’m still absolutely mortified. Damn. He is an absolutely flawless individual. ABSOLUTE PERFECTION.

Cue Annie starting to be a nerdy Asian with no life.

I can’t tell which I feel worse about, but I feel like it’s this cold that’s got me down for the most part.

Also, motorsports lost an incredible driver today. I can honestly say that I teared up when I found out. I was actually absolutely shocked. I think he was in his mid to late 20s when I started following auto racing. This was an incredibly talented man who lost his life doing what he loved. But he was 33 and far too young. His twitter feed was up to date even up to the beginning of the race. This is the worst thing that could happen to a driver and it’s absolutely tragic that such a young life was lost. I don’t know what’s going to happen to the indycar series now, but I do hope that safety is improved in light of this. RIP Dan Wheldon and my thoughts are with you and your family.