Archive | September, 2009

School’s starting soon! Yay?

2 Sep

no.

if it were up to me, school wouldn’t start for a long while. but clearly it isn’t up to me.

i feel like i haven’t taken enough time for myself this summer to resolve my issues and properly relax. like i relax, but that involves being on the computer all day or watching tv for 12 hours straight. and i still had to find time on a daily basis to do at least a little bit of work, which is only about 50% done at this point, i believe.

i haven’t been detoxing myself properly, and i’ve been holding all these things back throughout this entire summer. but it’s not healthy! i should’ve let all these things go a long time ago. i always want to start the year off with a fresh prospective on things, but it’s so difficult.

hmmmm.

so i was looking through facebook today and i realized that i’m completely out of sync with everyone else and their social calendars. all these things happen and i’m not a part of them. i don’t know if it’s my choice or if i don’t come off as a person kind enough to partake in all these gatherings and hangouts people have.

my mom asked me the other day if i’m autistic. while i’m probably not clinically autistic whatsoever, i do feel reclusive and i do have this little bizarre world in my head. and i don’t share it with anyone. people just wouldn’t get it. i’m not the kind of person who feels having plans every weekend is enjoyable. i would rather spend an evening alone watching tv. i do like going out occasionally, but it gets so tiring. i don’t know if that’s the case with everyone, but it certainly is for me.

i’m carrying a lot of baggage to my junior year. definitely not as much as i carried throughout middle school, but a lot of baggage. i want to throw all of that out the window though. i’m sick of a lot of the people i know, who have affected my life in more negative ways than positive.  i want to begin a new journey in my life without having to worry about any of my past mistakes. sadly, i’ll have to wait until college for any of that to happen.

is it so wrong to hold grudges? i mean, yes, all that extra baggage is optional. yeah, i can drop it but i don’t know. i’m not that kind of person. i forgive, but i never forget. (yes, i know how cliche this is.)

and you know, high school is so hectic. you meet new people on a daily basis. but it’s almost like the more friends i make, the more friends i lose. when you start spending more time with someone or limiting yourself more to a certain group, your other friends replace you. yeah, it’s still all friendly, but it’s never the same. i think i have a hard time realizing that i can’t be a profound part of every person’s life, even though i want to be, and in a good way.

i think i can be an amazing friend, but there are so many things you have to see through, and most people don’t take that leap of faith. they don’t see beyond what i am on the outside. they don’t even try to deal with the walls i put up, or the rage i store deep down. they would rather pretend it’s not there, or better yet, pretend i’m not there.

there’s hope for me yet though. i still find the person here and there who genuinely gives a shit about me. listens to all my rants, helps me deal with my problems.

and you know what? that makes me feel like i’m on top of the world.

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