23 May

My dad just gave me his old camcorder, the one we bought to record all of Alison’s firsts when she was a baby (first steps, first words, etc.). I want to make a movie! I’m seriously approaching this more seriously with each day. Film is such a beautiful medium. Next year is going to be a kickass year (hopefully). Why not document it all?!

And I want to tackle that book and that film I’ve been dying to write. I have so much to say, and I want to make it happen. I’m going to be proactive instead of passive and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. YEAH YEAH?!

I feel like I’ve evolved as a person. Obviously. We all change. And as that happens, our relationships with other people change.

I used to be really content, and I let myself get pushed around, and then I secretly retaliated with rumors and gossip behind other people’s backs. Now, I say things to your face, and I go after what I want (for the most part), though this often means that I wrongly convey what I mean to say. That’s the problem with words.  They’re there for you to use, but it’s so hard to use the right ones. Emotions are so much above one word, or even ten words, or even a thousand words. I’ve gotten better at it, but “better” isn’t exactly good.


I’ve realized that there are a lot of people who were in my life who are no longer there. And I’m damn glad they aren’t. When I think back on my times with those people, I really can’t remember much other than the bad. One person in particular, I was thinking about last year and how everyone thought we were really close. We weren’t really that close at all. And this year he’s just… different. I don’t want to call him a jerk, because then I would just be spiteful, but he changed into a person that I knew he’d become, a person I just do not want to associate with anymore. And now when he walks by me at school, I’m not even recognized as someone who used to be a friend. I’m a nobody to him now. Sorry, that kind of offends me, considering last year we were fairly good friends.

What’s hard about our current situation is that as much as he tells me we’re just friends, I treat him like he’s not just my friend. Our relationship changes so much too, even hour to hour, and it totally blindsides me. We can be fine and laughing and happy with everything, and the next minute everything is suddenly cold. I’m always falling and falling, and then I hit the ground. Thud.

I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about it, and he’s not really special. He’s not average, but he’s not like mindblowingly amazing and perfect.

It doesn’t really matter though, I’m not the only person in the picture now. That bugs me, but whatever. Something I have to live with.

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