Oops.

29 Sep

I HAVEN’T POSTED IN FOREVERERERERER but this post will be prove that this blog still means more to me than any other blog I have. Like I post semi-deep and reblog a lot of footy on my tumblr but honestly I love that I can always come back to this thing and just say whatever.

I’ve decided not to finish my China series. Just a personal decision. Originally I was going to do this long thing about everything I saw and heard and experienced but I think it’s better to just let it stay in my memory which, along with my pictures, should refresh my memory any time I need.

Okay. Time to be honest with myself.

No, I really didn’t think things were going to work out. Like hot damn did I wish that they would? Hell yeah! I mean I waited all that time and I was so certain that things were going to work out but with all this history I think it was just way too much.

I think the biggest obstacle was everything that happened last year. Sometimes I sit and think of all the stupid things I did, the anger and frustration and jealousy. I’m way bigger of a person than that. I shouldn’t have stooped to that low of a level. And I was so reactive all the time and I would get mad whenever things weren’t going my way.

I thought I was okay but then the school year started and he was just so nice and I thought things would be different because at least my feelings were reciprocated this time around. But the problem was that he just wasn’t ready. And there was a huge gap between what he said and what he meant. Like if I like someone, I want to spend time with them – willingly – and I would just want to be with them all the time. But seriously LOL like pulling him away from his friends was just impossible and I felt guilty for not letting him hanging out with them, especially since we were never even “together” together.

Nonetheless, he hurt me a lot with what he said and what he did and just this absolute reluctance to actually be with me last year, and this year it’s a little better but too little too late. I’m not trying to be spiteful. I mean if things were going better I would not be typing this blog right now so yeah I’m kinda hatin’ right now but whatever. I’m just reminded of all the wishy-washy-ness that really screwed things up last year.

Can’t we just be something and that’s that?

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