Archive | November, 2010

I hate this.

27 Nov

I hate being tied down in some sort of relationship with someone who claims me as his own without offering anything in return.

I hate that I’ll do anything for him but he can’t and he wouldn’t if he could.

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Just friends.

17 Nov

It’s a bummer, especially because of the teaser. Like we could’ve easily had everything and now we don’t have anything. My, oh my, how things change in an instant.

HOWEVER, I feel so unburdened. The jealousy, the anger, the sadness… It’s all out in the open now. There’s nothing more to hide. Yeah, I probably sounded like a paranoid lunatic last night, and I probably am a paranoid lunatic, but I can’t really stop myself from feeling this way or that way.

Watched a replay of the Spain-Portugal match today. I’m disappointed in the Spaniards. Campeones don’t play like that!

Sorry my posting has been sporadic and lame. I’ll try to improve on that once I get less lazy. Which might take quite a while.

Easy Bake Ovens.

12 Nov

When I was a kid, I remember I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven when I was 7 or 8. I never got one, and I was just looking at the Target Black Friday ad and oh… the nostalgia. Like I don’t still want one, but I could easily get one now to make up for all those years of longing for an Easy Bake Oven but I think I’d be sadder if I got one.

Speaking of Black Friday, I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED. Everyone else thinks of Thanksgiving as a time for family and turkey and pumpkin pie, but things have always worked differently in my family. We get way more excited about Black Friday than we do Thanksgiving itself.

My mom usually works on Thanksgiving since her hospital needs people to work on holidays. She gets paid more so she’s like whatever. I like my family because we don’t need a special occasion to do something together. We can wait until another time to get a turkey and a pie. For some people, what we do may sound ridiculous but I don’t know. It’s just how my family’s always done things.

I was talking to my mom about college yesterday. If I go where I want to go, I really only get to see my family in person a few times every year. I’ll come back for the summer and for winter break, and they might fly out for Thanksgiving, but otherwise I’m going to be thousands of miles away. That makes me sad. I’m like Jesus Navas; I gots myself a homesickness problem. I feel like the only way to overcome that is to go away and establish myself, you know? I’m scared but more than anything, I’m excited. So so so so so so so excited 🙂

I want to reread some of my old posts, but I’m scared to open old wounds. You know how it is.

Especially when things are really solid right now.

And I know I don’t have anything to worry about, but I can’t help but worry.

I think I’m going to take a deep breath, take a few steps back, and stop being so much of a perfectionist as always and just let whatever is meant to happen happen 🙂

I feel…

9 Nov

Ugly. Lonely. Bland. Boring. Insufficient. Useless. Mean. Angry. Frustrated. Frightened. Betrayed. Desperate. Confused. Surprised. Lost. Hurt.

Can someone please explain to me

7 Nov

how you can be in this major fight with someone on AIM and concurrently talk to someone else about babies and kittens and food and happiness?

Because I really don’t get it.

And you wonder why I’m bothered.

I don’t care if I come off as a paranoid freak.

Not gonna lie…

I’m pissed.

It’s not you… it’s me?

4 Nov

I’ve been kinda bummed all night. Same problem as always. It’s like it’s just neverending.

No, I’m not okay with where we are because I thought things would be different, but there’s nothing I can do.

I always imagined this being different. I’m not the crude person everyone perceives me to be. At heart, I’m a hopeless romantic, y’know? And I pictured a totally different scenario than this.

I don’t want to be unfair and set expectations that are too high like I did before, but now I’m afraid I’m just hurting myself because maybe I should be expecting more and he just doesn’t get it, in which case I will forever set myself up for failure because I have no self-respect.

It just sucks. There really isn’t any other way to put it. Things weren’t supposed to be like this, but they are. Nothing changed. We’re still in the exact same situation as before.

Two people who awkwardly sit in the library during an open period and occasionally get caffeinated beverages together.