To act or not to act?

4 Feb

Old loyal WordPress blog, oh how I have misseth thee.

It’s been an interesting few months since I last blogged. I’ve completed my first of eight semesters at Cal and am currently ankle-deep in my second term here. Last semester was a time of mistakes and triumph, and this semester will be… well, hopefully (and hopefully not at the same time) the same. Only this semester grades are of ever greater importance, so I suppose my mistakes will also be just as bad or maybe even worse! I feel like I make bad choices when I’m stressed. Just a hunch.

Yesterday, I spent a good deal of time talking to my friend Shyla, and some parts of our conversation stood out in my mind. Inevitably our conversation turned to love and finding that perfect someone. It’s crazy to think that I’m already 19, and I’m more than halfway through my first year at college. Where is he?!

Ha, I know, I’m still young. Everything just looks so bleak. I’ve fallen head over heels in love – and unfortunately blindly so – and I hate to admit it to myself, but I can’t pick myself back up. I’m terrified to make a move and I’ll sabotage myself and do whatever it takes to stay miserable. Why? Why do I do that to myself? Why do we do that to ourselves? (I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman who practices this masochistic self-sabotage.)

Oh, and it’s weird that I call myself a woman now. Can I just say I’ve never felt more unlike one?

I like that feeling of giddiness when there’s a cute boy that’s sitting near me in class. I like the rush of it. I like having a crush, as childish as that sounds. No matter what, if I end up spending my entire life with a guy, I better get butterflies in my stomach every single time I think about him, I see him, I’m with him. Even when I’m old and shriveled. I never want that part of me to age EVER. I don’t want to be bitter or angry or unloving or cynical. I want to open myself to what’s out there.

You could be that for me, but the risk isn’t worth it. I’d rather us be friends than anything else. If I could get to know you over the course of the semester, that’s all I’d like. It’d be nice if you could get me into some of your frat’s parties, but I couldn’t go down that path with you. I honestly could never picture myself with anyone else who’s competing with me for those few spots in this shitty major called business administration. I could never trust you enough. The frat rep doesn’t help. But you’re really cute and we should be friends so I don’t feel like I’m alone in section when that bitch keeps shutting me down with her fucking comments.

Wow, that paragraph covered a lot of bases and changed topics quite rapidly.

I think it’s because I plugged in my headphones and I’m listening to “Fix You” at a very loud volume whilst my roommate decides it’s okay to video chat with her club members who are lazy as fuck and can’t arrange an in-person meeting and instead want to do their two-hour+ meetings via internet on weekend nights.

I feel like I’ve become a really bitter person.

I don’t know where I was going with this.

Perhaps I will come back at a time when my thoughts are more collected and less scattered/boy-centric/rage motivated. I think it’s time to direct my negative energies to the gym. That has worked well for me lately 🙂

Until next time! (Hopefully, I’ll need to rage again soon ;))

One Response to “To act or not to act?”

  1. onlytheavatar February 21, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Who’s alive?? I needed a blog.

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