As Gavin Degraw’s voice melts my heart…

10 Oct

SWEETER IS A FANTASTIC ALBUM. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Holy crap. I’ve fallen in love again. It’s this kind of music that makes me think that love is possible. Not just love, but all good things in this world that make you feel warm and happy. Maybe even the bad. Emotion just seems raw and real again.

The weather decided it wanted to be shitty today. So much for a week of sunshine, according to weather.com! Instead, it poured and poured and poured. I got considerably wet. It’s kind of muggy too, which sucks! I mean if it’s going to pour, it should at least be cold to boot.

This weekend, a bunch of gals from my floor and I went to San Francisco. It was a packed day full of Boudin’s, Blue Angels, and…

I got my cartilage pierced! Big deal for me considering my fear of needles. I swore I’d never get anything else pierced after my earlobes in January, but I guess I went back on that. It hurt, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. I just hate aftercare more than anything, and I’ll have to hide it for the next year during interviews and stuff, but that’s okay.

I’ll confess at this point that my crush on my psychology lecturer is ballooning and at some point will probably make me do something I’ll regret. That man is just so UNFFFF

So a few weeks later, I met this guy in the laundry room. He had an accent when I talked to him, but he seemed like the quiet shy type so I didn’t really push the conversation. After all, we were doing laundry… HAHA yup, I was awkward. But I genuinely had a question so hell yeah I asked him because he was the only person in there at the time. Oh my goodness, did I think he was cute.

I’ve seen him around a few times since, but today we spoke again. (I feel like Cady Heron being a total freak about Aaron Samuels.) It was raining. (Again, I’m seeing a parallel. This is weird. I’m weird.) We talked about the rain and how I needed an umbrella. This was our conversation as we waited for the elevator to come:

Me: Dang… it’s pouring. I think I should go and get my umbrella.
Him: Yeah…
Me: Where did you just come from?
Him: *mumbling*
Me: Oh… nice…
Him: I can see how you’d think it’s a lot of rain. Where are you from?
Me: What?
Him: Where are you from?
Me: Like where do I live in the building or where geographically…?
Him: Yeah, geographically.
Me: Umm I’m from southern California
Him: Yeah… I’m from Cambridge, England. I’m kind of used to it.
Me: (internal freakout) Oh, my dad studied in England and he tells me it’s brutal there in terms of rain
Him: Yeah, this is nothing in comparison.

The elevator ride was too fast 😦 and I had to say bye, but I got his name before the door closed after I got off on my floor. His name is Liam, and he lives on the fourth floor 🙂 I told him it was nice to meet him…

He stood super close to me when we were waiting for the elevator. When I told Sarah about this, she was just like OMG HE WAS SO CLOSE YOU GOT PREGNANT and I’m like fuuuuuuuuuuuck you ok it was very affectionate and beautiful

I’m really weird. Please ignore me. This is just what I wanted to find. I’m gonna creep on the fourth floor now.

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I purposely sabotage myself in love.

5 Oct

I guess having a tween-girl-status “crush” on my psychology lecturer would count as sabotaging myself. The man is a great deal older than me and, more importantly, he’s my professor… LOL I suck.

I’ve realized that I’ve become a very bitter person. I don’t really want to fall for anyone anymore. So I’ll go for guys that are BEYOND impossible. Like my psych prof. (He’s not even really a professor, just a lecturer. No wonder he’s so young!)

Speaking of psychology, I got a 54/60 on my test. I’m kind of disappointed in myself; in fact, I can’t believe I did so poorly. I know I’m getting my panties in quite the bunch considering that’s a 90% and I didn’t go to half the lectures, but I just feel like it’s such an easy class and I should be doing SO MUCH BETTER. I’m not happy, even though it’s an A, and I’m bringing my grade up to a solid A or A+ no matter what. And it will happen! I will it to happen and thus it shall.

I’m freaking nervous to get back my IB exam tomorrow. I just feel like I dropped the ball on that one so badly and I can’t even make up for it. I’m hoping for a B… PLEASE, LORD, LET IT BE A B.

This was a very random post. But that’s no different than usual!

College: the good, the bad, and the ugly

4 Oct

I firmly believe that attempting to be eloquent is a two step process. You get rid of all the other shit that’s going on in your head and after… out pours the most beautiful contents of your brain that you could possibly think of. I have a very eloquent paper that’s due on Friday that has yet to receive any of my attention, so I guess this is my attempt to begin the eloquent-ing process.

Really, all I want to do is watch Sex and the City for the 23567325th time and go to the gym and sleep.

Here it goes.

I thought college was going to be some amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience where you meet the most incredible people of your life that you’re going to be close with forever and ever and it’ll just be like some movie. I guess since we’re not even two months into this damn experience yet, it’s too early to tell. I didn’t meet the people I got closest to in high school until sophomore, junior, and senior years. Freshman year was just such a crapshoot.

With that said, I guess I just didn’t want college to be the same waste of the first year. That’s a year of people I didn’t meet and experiences I didn’t have. A year is a long time.

I feel like the problem now is that I’m putting so much in and not getting much out.

Admittedly, Berkeley can be a very cold place sometimes. There are plenty of people who won’t rub you the right way, or you won’t rub them the right way. There are people of every which type here, I can safely say that. Determining whether or not they’re good or bad is still a work in progress.

There are certain people that immediately came off as… well… basically as useless pieces of shit. They’re actually quite intelligent and have every right to be here, but oh my goodness, there are some fucking pompous assholes here. Like honestly, take your self righteousness and shove it up your high-in-the-air nostrils. Never in my LIFE have I met so many people who think so highly of themselves. Honest to god, these people have no sense of the very concept of humility. And yes, to make you feel even better about yourself, I’ll talk shit about you in the hallway. You deserve it sweetheart! Clearly I’m just jealous of your stunning beauty and fantastic academic achievement, like everyone else on the fucking planet.

My roommate is possible to live with, but as with any other person, I’ve found qualities that are absolutely – to put it bluntly – repulsive. I’ve never met someone who is so messy. Like my mom thinks I’m a slob but no mom, you don’t know what a slob is. I did a big room cleanup this weekend and even vacuumed my side of the room. Had hers not been beyond fucked up, I would’ve bothered vacuuming hers too. She throws stuff around everywhere so no shit stuff is going to get lost, as it already has. What I hate is that she disrespects my side of the room too. My side is the side the side that you have to pass through and she’ll just dump her shit on my side and not even give a fuck about moving it over to her side. No. You can be as sloppy as you want with your side – that’s your prerogative – but NOT my side that I put in time to maintain orderly.

Another thing is I always have such a hard time getting work done when she’s in the room. Not because we’re chit chatting. She likes bringing this guy (a friend) to the room and they’ll just chat it up and it’s just kind of ridiculous. That’s not even that big of a problem because she’s usually willing to take him to another room and whatever, but when he’s here he’s also hella disrespectful. Like I was skyping with my family once and he and his friend came and they were just so fucking loud. It was plain rude. And when there aren’t people around, she listens to the most obnoxious electronica. Like honestly I used to think I liked everything but no, electronica most certainly is not my style. In fact, I hate it. It shouldn’t even exist. It’s just an excuse for people who are stoned beyond their minds to trip out on heavy bass.

The actual academia is fucking hard. I don’t understand why I’m even surprised by this. There are people who are dumb, but by the same token there are people who are absolutely brilliant. Some of them are humble about it; some of them wave it in your face with a magenta handkerchief.

I’m tired and I think I’m done ranting for today. Hopefully something productive will come out of this in my paper so I can get enough done to go to the gym after and sleep sufficiently tonight. I’m thinking of going to psychology tomorrow morning, even though it’s at 9.

My professor’s kind of cute.

Hello again.

3 Oct

It’s after 1 AM in Berkeley, this wonderful little gem of a town that’s now my new home.My roommate has just gone to bed after giving up on her chem and math homework. I don’t know why I’m still awake.

Must be those two jasmine milk teas I had this afternoon.

Fucking Mochaccino and their 2 for $3 deal. I’ve been in enough times that the girl recognizes me and what I usually get. I wonder if she knows that I drink both cups of tea. I’ll just let her assume that I’m always getting the second one for someone else… (though she probably doesn’t)

Damn it’s been a long time since I posted on here.

Well, I’m in college now. That high school angst is so behind me. Gosh, I scoff in its face now! Weak, I tell you – weak!

Today on tumblr, I saw this, and I must admit, I succumbed a bit to the shitty high school angst again

Sometimes, I guess we need that angst back in our lives for a bit to remind us of how far we’ve come.

What’s sad is how I still feel a tinge of regret and sadness. I guess manhunting in Berkeley’s been quite a crapshoot, but I haven’t really tried. I don’t want to try. It’s so hard to try. I realize now how bitter I am about love. I hate people who are in happy relationships. I hate people whose boyfriends take the greyhound (umm hello, that’s 15 hours of your life you’re never going to get back) up the coast to see them.

I just don’t understand why everyone can find their someone and I can’t.

And I guess at times like these, I wonder if I missed my chance.

Obviously, sometimes you’re just meant to fall for someone. Nothing dictates whether or not that love will be enough forever.

Attrition.

27 Jun

It’s been a week since we last talked. Sorry, we never really even talked that much. We just IMed and texted. We didn’t even call each other so I don’t even remember all that well what his voice sounded like.

I can’t believe I was such a pathetic little girl a few months ago when I thought that this guy was going to be it for me. Just like Carrie Bradshaw says in Sex and the City (the movie), “If I’d met me now, I wouldn’t know me.”

I remember it used to be so painful to not talk for a day or two, and now I’ve gone through a whole week and I’m fine. I’m surprising myself actually. Sure, sometimes I’ll think about the good memories and it hurts for a bit, but usually the pain doesn’t last. At least I had them, I guess.

Summer is… summer. It’s starting to get hot outside for long amounts of time. My parents are always nagging, and it’s kinda ticking me off since this is my last summer of absolute nothingness, considering future summers will very likely be spent taking classes or traveling or study abroad.

I’m excited to go to New York in a few weeks. It’s been a really long time, and I’ll be visiting family friends in New Jersey that I haven’t seen in more than ten years. I’ve been shopping for dresses and summery clothes and bright makeup, and even though I haven’t bought a lot, the things I’ve gotten are amazing.

I’m still running. I didn’t run yesterday because it was kinda hot and I felt a little sore but I think that’s only the second day I’ve skipped in the past two weeks. I’m pretty proud of myself. It’s not really about losing weight or anything, I just want to get healthier. And it really helps me run off a lot of anxiety and anger and fear and coffee jitters and all that good stuff. I love plugging in my iPod for half an hour and just jogging. I’m not training for a marathon, I don’t want to compete – I just want to run at my own damn pace and be done with it. It feels good.

Getting over it.

17 Jun

Hi Emily. I hope you’re having a good time on the plane or in China. That place is the shit.

I’m watching one of those cliched figure skating movies right now with my laptop in my lap and cheezits and chocolate chip cookies in my stomach. And I was facebook stalking. And I’m kinda sad now.

I want to tell him that I still love him like crazy and that I want us to be together forever, but I can’t. I’m pretty sure he’s moved on. I know that I deserve so much more and that I shouldn’t waste any more time on him, but I can’t help how I feel. My main fear is what the next year holds. There’s not enough trust or willpower in either of us.

On one hand, he drives me crazy and makes me feel more flawed than anyone else can. On the other, I love him to death and I want him so badly. I just constantly feel like anyone and everyone is better in his eyes than I am because that’s how he treats me. And I’m not even certain if he feels any differently deep down inside.

I guess I was just never enough.

I don’t know.

You only fall in love once?

15 Jun

I guess there are a lot of theories about the number of times you can really fall in love. I just saw a friend retweet someone who claims that a person can only really fall in love once. On an episode of Sex and the City, one of the girls read in a magazine that one can fall in love three times.

If it’s the former, I guess I’m screwed. But then again, did I really love Tim? If I didn’t, I must’ve liked him a whole freaking lot. Love is different for each person, so I don’t know. I think it was real and deep and true for me. There’s always the chance, though, that it was just something that felt a lot like the real deal but wasn’t. Like how some women go into fake labor before they have their babies!

If it’s the latter, I have two (maybe three) more chances to find what I’m looking for. That’s more frightening than anything else though. Love really sucks, and I don’t know if I want to keep going through this process over and over.

Sometimes, I wonder why we even feel like we need a significant other in our lives to feel special. If we were successful individuals and just had casual sex to fulfill our carnal desires, would we be happy? Love involves so much sharing of yourself with someone who is essentially a stranger you try to become close to. Is it worth it?

As for me, it took a really long time before I found someone who I genuinely could see myself with for the rest of my life. No, things didn’t work out, but what we shared is enough to convince me to keep looking. From where I’m standing right now, I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who I can share so much with and love so deeply. That’s what makes me so reluctant to let go of the tiny bit we have left. How can I give up any of that hope? How can I share what we’ve shared with anyone else?

We keep going because we have to. There is no other way.